he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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