The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
