The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
