Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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