Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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