I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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