It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
