hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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