That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Everything about him screamed your future.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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