He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
