So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
