Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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