ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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