he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
His nipple licking is glorious
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