Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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