It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize