Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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