Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
