my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
