i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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