Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
