I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
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Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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