If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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