just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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