wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
