When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
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The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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