I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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