Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
