Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
