So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
