it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
