If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
