Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
