do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
