Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All the doctor said was why
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize