my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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