Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
