I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
