Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
