did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
