I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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