apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
