thus making me awesome and them whores
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
