Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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