All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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