You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
