When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
