I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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