Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
