god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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