I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
