even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
