Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
