Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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