I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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