She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont even know how to be here
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
