No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
