tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
