I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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