I'm going to jail i love you
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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