My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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