Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
