when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
