so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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