i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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