I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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