I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
